KATHY’S STORY
A young wife and mother of three small daughters, Kathy was diagnosed in the spring of 1999 with Burkitt’s lymphoma, a form of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. She underwent chemotherapy, and it looked as though there might be hope. But on Thanksgiving Day she told her family the cancer had returned.
More chemotherapy followed, then a transplant of bone marrow from a perfect match, her oldest sister, Susan. But by then, the cancer had grown stronger and her body was weaker. She improved a little, but it came back. She was only out of the hospital less than a month when the cancer returned.” Doctors told her that there was nothing more than could be done, as non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma tends to hide from chemotherapy and radiation. For her husband, Ken, and the extended family, there was nothing left but to retreat and wait for her to die.
In June 2000, after fighting a yearlong battle against a tenacious and rare form of cancer, 39-year-old Kathy, wife and mother of three young girls, found out the cancer would win. She died at 7:40 a.m. on July 4, 2000.
Kathy was an outstanding person. She wanted to do something for other cancer families. Before her death, one of her wishes was that her family open a place to provide assistance and comfort to patients and families as loved ones underwent medical treatment in the Milwaukee area. Her parents, Dick and Judy Vogel, began working on Kathy’s House shortly after her death. Through fund-raisers, donations and one year of hard work, Kathy’s House opened in the summer of 2001 at 600 N. 103rd Street and has been fulfilling Kathy’s wish ever since.
HOUSE AT END OF RAINBOW
The story of Kathy’s House is as uplifting as her death was tragic. When Dick Vogel thinks of the Fourth of July, he recalls not so much the birth of a nation but the death of a daughter. Not fireworks, but a rainbow that stretched across a sunny sky the morning she passed away. Dick felt strongly that his daughter’s death should not be in vain. He knows that he can never bring Kathy back, but he can do things that are positive for others in her memory. He started working on Kathy’s House shortly after his daughter’s death. He proudly tells of his inspiration.
He proudly recalls the beginning of Kathy’s sign: the rainbow. When Kathy received news that her cancer had come back and she was too weak for any more chemotherapy, she was among her family and friends. That day, her youngest sister saw a double rainbow in the sky and they rejoiced at the positive sign. From that day on, the rainbow became Kathy’s sign. Then on July 3, when it was imminent that Kathy was going to die, Kathy’s sister asked her to send a sign when she got to heaven. Kathy died the next day. After saying her good-byes on a sunny and clear July 4, Kathy’s sister was driving home and saw a vivid double rainbow joining two clouds in the sky and the entire family knew that Kathy was alright.
Dick is a believer in signs. And who says you only get one? When Kathy’s House was starting to come together, he picked up a picture of Kathy that now hangs above the mantle at Kathy’s House. Upon getting it to the house, he looked up into the sky and there was a beautiful double rainbow. Dick says that it was Kathy’s way of saying hello. Also, propped on an empty shelf in what is the Kathy’s House library is a worn, framed needlepoint he found abandoned in the building. Under a rainbow, the unknown author had stitched this message: “The soul would have no rainbow had the eye no tear.”
KATHY’S FAREWELL
On behalf of Kathy's entire family, thank you all for being here. Kathy loved to be surrounded by people - she's gotta be smiling right now!
It should come as a surprise to no one that it was very important to Kathy that the many people who supported her during her courageous battle were properly thanked. When told of how little time she had remaining, she actually talked of writing something herself for me to read - truly a brave thought. Unfortunately, her quickly deteriorating physical condition didn't enable her to write her final thank you. So I will attempt to do so for her, and for her family as well
Back in March, while in Nebraska for treatment, Kathy started a journal. It is an incredibly beautiful gift for her children. In it, she eloquently writes of her feelings and philosophies about family and friends and of her appreciation for the support that they've given her during her illness. I know she wouldn't mind if I shared some of those thoughts today s0 that in the end. It will be her voice you hear.
Ultimately, I will give her the last words, but I feel compelled to speak about Kathy, for it was because of the kind of person she was that everyone loved her so much. She brought out the best in all of us. There are so many people to thank for so many acts of kindness because she was such an incredible person. In her journal, Kathy wrote, "'The more kind and generous you are to people, the more you will be treated kindly." Kathy truly proved this to be true. Her support group of family and friends was phenomenal. It was as if she was the pebble in the center of the pond with infinite ripples spreading out around her.
It wasn't just those closest to her that she touched. I’ll never forget one particular phone conversation when she was feeling extremely low. I reminded her about how widespread her support network was, and how it included people in states across the nation, literally coast to coast. As those of us close to her discussed her courageous battle with others, they were touched by our accounts of the kind of person she was. In her journal, Kathy noted; "We have so many people praying for us, encouraging and supporting us - that in itself is uplifting. There are so many people in the world willing to help". So to all of you who prayed for Kathy and supported her and spread the word of her courageous battle, we thank you.
Kathy was also most grateful for the many cards and letters she received. In her final days at the hospital, the mail she received was a highlight. One of the things she requested was that we go through all the cards and letters that were sent to her and share what people wrote with her daughters. Her exact words were, "find the ones where people say good stuff about me". Well that's an easy one, because they all contained wonderful sentiments. To all of you who sent those deeply appreciated messages, we thank you. Not only were they a gift to Kathy, but they were a gift to her family as well.
In reading those cards and letters and in reading her journal, I was immediately struck by the common themes. The values that were so important to Kathy were truly how she lived her life. Over and over, people spoke of her kindness, generosity and true compassion. She was friendly to everyone, loving and caring to those close to her, and tolerant and forgiving of people's quirks and shortcomings. So many friends wrote that they learned from her, and that she made them better people. Kathy had a warm smile and an infectious giggle. She loved having a good time and being surrounded by people. Even while terribly sick in the hospital, she was the consummate hostess. Our "Chatty Kathy" loved having visitors and they buoyed her spirits. At one point, the nurses threatened to bring in bleachers, there were so many people coming and going. And although she was the one feeling lousy, she always made everyone else feel better. To the many people who took time out of their day to visit Kathy, we thank you.
Kathy was truly courageous throughout her cancer battle. I remember one particular
e-mail from Ken that said it all - "she is awe-inspiring." Her bravery and willingness to fight was endless. As she said in her journal, "If 1 don't win this cancer battle it's not because 1 didn't give it everything 1 have." It was important to her to be able to say that she did absolutely everything she could to beat the disease. She never let the cancer make her a victim. One of her friends put it well in a letter to Kathy. She wrote, "'Rarely in ones life do you get to witness the grace and dignity that you have shown m these past months. It's during true adversity that one's character is exposed." Kathy's incredible character was evident throughout her ordeal.
It was important to Kathy that the efforts of her many doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals be acknowledged. As in the rest of her life, she quickly developed many close relationships. I know many of these special people are here today. The dedication, kindness and compassion of these professionals were deeply appreciated: In particular, the staff that attended her during her final weeks made sure she felt comfortable, safe and lovingly cared for. We all thank them for their extraordinary efforts.
Because she got to know her doctors and nurses so well, and because she did a lot of research, Kathy learned a lot about lymphoma and cancer. During her first remission, she talked of trying to find a way to help other cancer patients as she had been helped. She had a "'Book About Mom" that she had been writing in and under the heading “My Hopes and Dreams for the Future" she wrote the following. "I hope I have enough health to continue to lead an active life where 1 can make a difference in your lives and others who've perhaps struggles as I have." That remission was short-lived and she needed to focus on her own battle. Our father pledged to start a fund in her name. It was her wish that it be called the Kathy Vogel Kuettner Fund, and she wanted its focus to be the support of cancer patients and their families, particularly other adults like her with young children.
Kathy had many important roles in her life - wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend – and she did them all well. But one of her favorites was being a Mom. Hailey, Emily and Claire were everything to her. It was her priority to make them feel endlessly loved; safe and secure. She appreciated each of them as individuals. Kathy had that special way with all children - she was adored by her nieces, nephews, her friend's children and her children's friends.
It was most fitting when one of the younger members of our family made the following declaration, "Aunt Kathy is such a good mommy that she is going to be a Mom to all the babies and children up in heaven whose Mommies and Daddies are still on earth." Towards the end of her battle, Kathy told us she was getting visits from angels, and she would describe how the room was full of children and babies. So we told her of the child's prediction, and she said with a smile, "'Well, now it makes sense".
We think too, that Kathy picked her time to leave this earth with the children in mind. She hung in there for Hailey’s birthday. And she picked a day that would have meaning for the kids. Another child in our family observed prior to Kathy's passing that the fourth of July would be a good day for her to go to heaven, because that is when we celebrate our country's freedom, and she would be free, too. Kathy loved the fourth of July and would always have the whole family over to watch the fireworks. She got such pleasure in watching all the kids enjoy the show. She knew it would always be a day for us to come together and watch those fireworks with her.
Kathy's most incredible act of kindness occurred after she left us. A few days after learning the cancer was back, there was a rainstorm followed by a beautiful, full spectrum double rainbow. Karen, Laura and Heidi, saw it driving back from the hospital, Joan took a picture of it from her driveway and Ken and other friends of Kathy saw it too. It was immediately dubbed "Kathy's rainbow". 'During her next visit, Karen told Kathy of the rainbow and how everyone thought it was her rainbow and that it was a sign that she was going to a better place. She then asked Kathy to give us a sign once she was gone that everything was OK. On the 4th of July, just a couple hours after Kathy passed away, Karen and Pete were driving home. It was a beautiful sunny day - not a drop of rain. They looked up, and in the middle of a huge bunch of clouds was a bright blue opening, with a rainbow pointing down at them. We are sure it was Kathy, thoughtfully reassuring us that everything was indeed OK.
We will always remember Kathy. And as promised, I will give her the last words, a tough thing for a big sister to do. I think she would want you to know these thoughts.
"If what happens is that I've died, I want you to know how sorry I am…how hard I tried to fight the disease, and how we did absolutely everything we could to beat the disease. Sometimes things like this just happen in life. Why this happened to us is something we'll never know. It's very sad, it's very tragic, but then life goes on for those left behind. You have to go on, and as you do, the pain gradually fades. We've learned a lot of things though - how kind and compassionate our friends and family are, how willing they are to help...what things are really important.
Thank you all from Kathy.
ANGELS HERE ON EARTH
Arriving at Froedtert Memorial Lutheran Hospital Cancer Center to prepare Kathy for her bone marrow transplant was an incredible experience. Our family witnessed first hand the angels right in our back yard whose special care provides for those patients awaiting or receiving transplants. Those nurses give so much of themselves to improve their patients physical and mental health. We would quickly learn to appreciate how crucial these professionals had become.
Kathy was fortunate to have been assigned a larger room, which was needed to accommodate her many visitors. The generosity and compassion long a part of Kathy's life fueled her determination to be the perfect hostess. There were no bounds to her interest in the well being of all without exclusion.
This attitude of positive thinking quickly made Kathy a favorite among all the staff since she never expressed self-pity or anger at her failing health. Unfortunately many patients had few visitors to help support their journey and her nurses lamented the lack of a Milwaukee area hospital hospitality house to lodge and support their families.
Kathy had expressed interest in helping other cancer patients and their families, when her health permitted. The seed was planted.
When Kathy's blood counts improved she was allowed to go home to her family after months of treatments. The pain soon returned and a return to the bone marrow transplant unit for more chemo. Our family and her friends filled Kathy's room and she was again the loving hostess. The determination held by Kathy to help others was again discussed with nurses and Kathy's doctor who urged us to establish a hospitality house to honor her life. A fund to help other cancer families was established with the Medical College of Wisconsin to be called Kathy's Fund, as suggested by resident Michael Bolger.
During Kathy's final weeks at Palliative Care unit joined the BMT nurses in making Kathy as comfortable as possible. This end of life team was caring and able to provide comfort. Many books were shared and read by family members. The role of angels guiding the patient was retold many times. We learned the foot of the bed was off limits to guests since that was where the angels gathered.
Kathy's nurses expected her death on July 1, 2000 but she requested the angels delay since that day was the birthday of her eldest daughter Hailey and would spoil the celebration. The fourth was the end of her journey and was a beautiful sunny holiday.
After concluding good-byes, Kathy obliged her sisters with a sign that all was well in heaven and she had made the trip OK with a rainbow between the only two clouds in the sky.
The many friends and family members who cared for Kathy contributed generously to Kathy's Fund and at Mike Bolger's suggestion we gathered the many cancer centered groups to determine how best the fund might help. After touring the Transplant House in Rochester, MN, which supports Mayo clinic, the idea of opening a home away from home for hospital patients and their caregivers who travel to Milwaukee area hospitals for treatment was urged by their guests.
At the suggestion of executive director Sister Margeen, my wife Judy and I attended the annual conference of the National Association of Hospital Hospitality Houses in September. There were over two hundred houses nationally, most of whom would be in attendance. After learning of our desire to open a house in Milwaukee, we were soon immersed in helpful guidance and compassion. These people exemplified the true spirit of giving unconditionally.
Returning to Wisconsin from Ashville we soon learned of a former priests residence that might be available close to Froedtert and the freeway system. A perfect facility but another group was ahead of us and the search continued. In early January 2001, a phone call from Rick Johnson, president of St. Camillus Campus advised us the facility was available and Kathy's House would become a reality.
Almost thirty-nine years as an independent businessman did not prepare me for the world of non-profits and the ASK. Definitely not a new dance craze, the ask is essential to pay the bills of a charity. A declined request for funds had to be considered as a deferred only.
In Wisconsin and elsewhere great care must be exercised when using the word "free" since expected donations will not always follow. In fact there are not too many events more discouraging than to watch an expensive SUV leave our drive after a lengthy stay without a donation. A very successful dinner dance auction held a month before opening provided funds sufficient to augment Kathy's Fund and other gifts received necessary to pay ongoing expenses.
Kathy's love for gardening led to the planting of many perennials and hanging plants. Since low immune guests would be vulnerable to live plants indoors, many silk plants were set throughout the house to brighten the decor. A family effort unloaded a van full of furniture from a Marcus Cory Baymont Inn that was in renovation. New mattresses and bedding were purchased and the house was ready for guests in time for the July 1, 2001 ribbon cutting.
Several news articles described Kathy's House and the opening attracted the local television crews who filmed the mayor cutting the ribbon and sharing our mission with the community. Ready for guests at last.
Like all new endeavors we worried that mistakes might be made that might discourage patients and caregivers from utilizing Kathy's House. Volunteers were needed to provide tours and a comfortable, safe, and clean environment. An open house to all Milwaukee area hospitals not only showcased our physical facility but allowed an exchange of ideas with hospital professionals.
As a seven day, twenty-four hour home away from home, we recruited two seniors from Wisconsin Lutheran College as live-in interns. Lincoln Batt from Australia was a communication, psychology and philosophy major. Loriene Gysbers was a psychology major with minors in communication and history. Both students were quick studies and bonded with guests and assured us with their presence.
KATHY’S HOUSE
She had so brief a time to share
With those she loved on Earth
And yet the gift she left behind
Is far beyond gold’s worth.
Her parent’s grief became the dream –
This house that you now see –
A testimony to their love
And Kathy’s memory.
Her spirit dwells within these walls
And reaches out to give
Her everlasting gift of love
So other’s hopes can live.
For Kathy’s House is where you stay –
Where people understand
And listen if you wish to talk
Or simply hold your hand.
It is a House of hope and peace –
A place to rest your fears
Where you can find a quiet place
To wipe away your tears.
It’s not a castle standing tall
With golden, shining dome
For Kathy’s is a special place –
A Home Away From Home!
C.E. Shantz 5/6/02
